Monday, January 5, 2015


Before I went to bed last night, I had another episode of my PMS ramblings via Twitter. I was looking through my old profile pictures and I saw this:

This was taken during the summer of 2011, right before my first year of college. It was the era of uneven arms and thighs caused by playing too much badminton. Hahaha. My right arm and leg were noticeably larger than the left ones. Weird, I know, but it's normal for us.

Two thoughts: "Wow I was so thin" and "I fucking miss playing"

On "I fucking miss playing": When I got into college, I found a group of people from CSSP who I'd often play with during my first sem in college. During the second sem, some of them had to focus on their thesis, so we never really got to play anymore. Second year college, I shifted to arki and found another group of people I used to play badminton with. I stopped playing after a while because timing is a bitch, and we started having Monday classes. I still joined every competition on campus that I could. BEAST, Arki Sportsfest, PE2 Final Tournament, but last year was the worst. I didn't get to play in BEAST because we had a field trip. We didn't have badminton during the Arki Sportsfest. Monday classes. The worst. No one to play with. Never in my life have I gone through more than 6 months without playing in a court.

On "Wow I was so thin": I have mentioned before that a lot about me has changed in 2014, but there was one thing I purposely left out. It's this: I have been kinder to my physical self. I have little by little let go of my physical insecurities. I'm not saying I'm confident about how I look. I'm saying I don't care how I look anymore. Bad haircut, been there, done that. But did I die? No. Did I become any less awesome? No. I don't even post selfies anymore. Hardly ever. I still wear makeup occasionally, but those are on days when I feel like crap on the inside, like plate deadlines.

Here's a back story: I never worked out or anything, and I stopped training. It was the only physical activity I had, and it was a life constant. I'd always have enough of it just to keep me in shape - but that was never my main goal. I played because I loved it. Not because I wanted to be fit. That was just a bonus. So there, now I weigh at least 30 pounds heavier than I did in that photo. Like how the hell does one even gain that much in four years? The weight gain wasn't the main problem. It was the people around me. It's the first thing they notice when they see me - heck, they'd call me out on it before they even say HELLO. What the hell, right? It's like the world is so obsessed with weight and body figures. Skinny was always beautiful (kahit panget, oh yes, I am getting there). It's like it doesn't matter to people whether you're smart, or funny, or talented. If you're fat, you're fat. And that is it.

What I did in 2012-early 2014 that people do not know about:
Crash diets. I lost 13 pounds in a month. Gained it all back in a snap.
Starvation. Oh, I've done this several times. I only came to my senses when I blacked out in SM Makati at 7 in the evening. Alone. I thought I was going to die. I was able to get home at past 9. Never again. Ever.
Developed Bulimia. I used to puke after every meal, especially dinner. I never forced it out - it felt more like a state of mind. It's pretty hard to explain, but it made me really depressed for months.
I went to the gym. And I thought I was really happy. I made sure I worked out at least 4-5 times a week. Who was I kidding? First of all, I hate routine. Next, I hate routine. Lastly, I hate routine. Enough said.
I felt so lost and hopeless and I hated myself every single day from the moment I woke up to the moment I drifted away in my sleep. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It bothered me EVERY DAMN DAY.

And people think it's FUNNY when they joke about weight? You can eat your jokes. You don't know what you're saying. You don't know anything. So fuck you.

What I did in the middle of 2014:
Realized that weight isn't everything. There is so much more to life you're missing on when that's all that matters to you. So you'd rather just sit there than go swimming? All the scrumptious meals you're missing. Big B! How could you say no to a Big B?!
Cut toxic people out. Because tangina niyo. :) I deserve to feel great about myself, and I don't need to hear any of your sickening weight jokes.
Started smiling like an idiot in front of the mirror. More like "started looking at the mirror again". HAHA! Who is that awesome person smiling back at me?
EAT. I always made sure I'd have dinner with my friends. I'd invite my old friends to catch up on life in restaurants or cafes that served pasta, pizza, whatever. I'd go to that bakery downstairs in pajamas just for the cheese bread.
Became genuinely happy. No obstructions, physical or emotional. :)

What I'm about to do in 2015:
Start playing badminton again. Some things you just have to keep as life's constants. :)

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