It makes me sad...

You inadvertently exacerbate my problems. (Psych 101)

I couldn't contain myself any longer. I was in the middle of reading my Psych papers when I had to stop, put it aside for a while, retrieve my laptop, and write this note. I learned in Psych class that it would make you feel better expressing all your cognitive negativities than trying to write down what makes you happy. So here I am in tears right now, putting that statement in action (or words, rather), feeling a strong flush of depression. This isn't the first time I've been this extremely melancholic about it, though. It's been bothering me every day for months now, tearing down my self-esteem and my self-confidence altogether. It makes me feel really bad about myself. Of course I've tried battling my thoughts and feelings towards it, but I have never conquered.

Do you want to know what it is? Well, if you don't give a damn, please refer to the red X button at the right top corner of your screen for Windows, or the opposite for Apple. But if you're really, really curious about it though, it's this: I'm fat.

It may sound such a small deal to you, but it affects such a big portion of my life. I've never learned to accept it. Never. The mere utterance of the words "you gained weight" pains me so much, and I never get over it. Sometimes people even say "tambok-tambok ka na ya! (You're so fat already)" and I secretly die inside. I really hate it when people tell me I need to lose weight, because it makes me think that they think I'm stupid enough not to know that. To be fair, I'm not. It really bothers me a lot. I think I need a psychiatrist, even.

I hate it when thin people think they’re fat. I hate reading tweets of people who think they’re fat when they’re obviously not. I hate it when people ask me if they’re fat. What do you call me, then? A manifestation of the blubber god? I don't even want to go swimming anymore. I try avoiding body mirrors as much as possible. I don't want to be in pictures with people. I don't attend debuts because I don't want to wear dresses and look like chorizo. I've tried vomiting everything I’ve taken in. I've tried not eating rice for a long period of time. I walk under intense heat, just to burn off extra calories. I played badminton one weekend despite unbalance-able academic and non-academic workload. I've tried jogging around the acad oval to the extent of almost fainting, I've tried not eating meat at all. I've tried eating crackers for days. I've tried starving myself. I’ve tried everything, and yet, nothing’s happening.

Everything just adds to my depression. It makes me feel twice as ugly.

And yet, you still call me fat.