The only reason why I'm even blogging tonight is I don't want this blog to die, not even slowly. Either that, or I'm just really stressed out right now and that my life's a mess, a beautiful one, though. I don't really mind if you don't see how that conjunction managed to put together those two clauses of different poles, because neither do I. If there's one thing you should know about me and my lame-ass blogging skills, it's that I do everything spontaneously and I hardly go over it once I've finished typing everything. After all, this isn't something I have to submit to my English prof for caviling.
I'm going through this I-don't-know-what-to-feel phase right now because the past few days of mine have been quite an amateur-ballerina-twirl sort of mixed emotions and bipolarity. Though I may not be diagnosed to have such disorder, I consider it an affect, like every other whiny teenager does.
It took me a week to enroll for my first semester this academic year. If you're wondering why it took me so long, well, let me just make the motherfucking long story short: I was pre-advised at 5:30 pm on the last day of enrollment. Shiftees had to enroll on the last day, so I went to UP at around 8:00 in the morning. I waited 10 hours just for pre-advising. I lacked units, so much as I wanted to pay Monday after that week, I had no choice but to wait for everything. I took my chance begging profs to take me in their classes, and believe me when I say the best of luck isn't enough for an underload shiftee undergoing the wrath of UP's regular, not to mention: late, enrollment. Prof-hunting for me lasted two whole days - circling around Arki, CAL, and AS included - and I've never felt so desperate my whole life. I used to swear I'd never take Kasaysayan 1, but when the prof accepted me into his class, I almost cried - no exaggeration included. I was also really happy because I was able to get Badminton as a PE and I've been trying to take that class for three semesters already. Ma'am Cuerdo never accepts prerogs but she knew and remembered me from first sem as the girl who sat in her class, twice, desperate to get in. The only conditions are I shouldn't be absent and I have to play as a boy in the singles and doubles event. Of course, I didn't mind. In fact, I liked the idea. Although everything turned out to be great, I still am frustrated because I still have to go to Arki and get my Form 26A, then pay at the cashier (which moved to ISSI, btw) and get a new ID. Everything's stressing me out as of this moment. You know what else pissed me off tonight? I lost my black paper, and I really needed it for my first Arki assignment due on Wednesday. How the fucking hell do you even lose a bundle of black paper?
Aside from everything pulling my strings off and sewing my buttons back on, I feel overwhelmed with all my new Arki materials. They're all just lovely and I couldn't wait to use them all, but I get this tingly feeling in my stomach whenever my debit card gets scratched in National Bookstore. Everything's really expensive and I feel bad for my parents. Although I know they support me and they will always give me money for my Arki stuff, I can't stop feeling guilty about how much everything costs to the point that even if I use my allowance to buy something important and I don't have allowance left anymore, I don't withdraw and just starve myself for a day or something. I'm not used to this. Not just yet.
The things that are really, really getting on my nerves right now aren't things, but people. But okay, if you hate them too, then we can both call them things. I am such a bad person for publicizing my hatred towards these two idiots but please if you know them and if you're reading this, please tell them to stay the fuck away from me unless they want to get decapitated. Hate is such a strong word, they say, but I know hate when I feel it. And when I hate people, I let them know. Life is a lot easier that way. No need to be plastic. It's weird how I've always been this way, pushing people away from me, avoiding them and killing them in my dreams, and I've only noticed such behavior recently. You may think I'm a really bad person now, but this I tell you: I am not as expressive of my love as I am my hate. However, it doesn't mean I love less than I hate. If you aren't stupid, you should know what I mean, and I'm assuming you aren't (see, I'm nice too). Anyway, it's hard when the people you currently hate the most stay in the same dormitory as you. Just seeing them already ruins my day. The first one, I hate because he is the #1 most irritating person in the world. I have never felt so harassed by some shit of an idiot in my 17 years of oxygen intake. You can ask Page or Jiolo to explain this to you if you're really curious about it (in short, chismosa ka). I don't mind explaining it myself though, but I'm warning you: I'm an energy-drainer when it comes to talking about these matters in person. The second one, I've always hated. He used to trail me wherever I go, wherever I sit, wherever I stand, breathe, I don't know. It annoyed me, really. I don't know if it's pure coincidence that he also decided to stay in the same dorm as me, but I don't care. Why the hell does he keep on trying to talk to me? Haven't I made it obvious to you that I am not interested in talk, let alone saying hello? And next time, don't talk to my roommate about me because it just proves that half of your brain is empty even if you study in a good school. She's a girl, we're friends, get the logic? I want to stab your face with a knife. Oh, and the other one, too. My roommate teased him last week about crushing on me and he went "dati, pero tumaba na siya eh." Uhhh, did you really have to say that, mofo? Because to be honest, even if my weight is my biggest insecurity ever, I am fucking proud I got fat enough not to be the apple of your crap eye. Ang kapal ng mukha mo, punyeta ka. You think you're so gwapo but you look like shit. Not human shit, though, because it's too beautiful to be compared to a dickhead like you. I HATE YOU. AND THE OTHER ONE TOO. I FUCKING HATE YOU BOTH.
That's about it. I'm just glad that I have my blog to rant my feelings to when all my friends are asleep.
It's been a long day, a long week, even. I sense a long year ahead of me, of us all.
Let's get through this.