It's 3:56 am and I'm here at Bo's Coffee Shop in Katipunan barely able to type properly because my fingertips are being bitten by the cold of the night, supposedly CAD-ing our group's floor plans. Ideally, I would have been done with the floor plans by now if only I knew how to focus. Well, I don't. HAHAHA. Here's what I've really been doing:

I've been working on Blue Merchandise stuff since 6 pm. I must admit it's a pretty tough job, having to do all the thinking, running, carrying, selling, and dying. I finally came up with a solution on how to keep it running next week because I have two deadlines with heavy requirements.

I could now finally breathe! *takes five deep breaths*
Thank you, new mems!

On another note, you might want to check out our postcards:

Here is our order form: http://bit.ly/bluemerchandise

Baguio Getaway

I didn't really have to go to UP on the last day of enrollment because I was able to get all of my subjects on the first day. For this reason, I was able to tag along with my father and sister on a super random YOLO roadtrip to Baguio and La Union. Here are a few photos from the trip. I was able to take a lot of photos, but I'm really lazy right now so tssh.

Cutie locals harvesting their strawberries

This was taken at Mines View Park. I'm a fan of succulents, although I don't really own a single one.

Freshly picked strawberries from the Strawberry Farm

Funny story: I wanted to go strawberry picking, so the moment I woke up from our first night at Baguio, I eagerly asked my dad if we could visit the strawberry farm, and we did.

Dad: "You should try them! They're really sweet!"
Me: "Oh, but I don't eat strawberries."

HA!

:)

Before I went to bed last night, I had another episode of my PMS ramblings via Twitter. I was looking through my old profile pictures and I saw this:

This was taken during the summer of 2011, right before my first year of college. It was the era of uneven arms and thighs caused by playing too much badminton. Hahaha. My right arm and leg were noticeably larger than the left ones. Weird, I know, but it's normal for us.

Two thoughts: "Wow I was so thin" and "I fucking miss playing"

On "I fucking miss playing": When I got into college, I found a group of people from CSSP who I'd often play with during my first sem in college. During the second sem, some of them had to focus on their thesis, so we never really got to play anymore. Second year college, I shifted to arki and found another group of people I used to play badminton with. I stopped playing after a while because timing is a bitch, and we started having Monday classes. I still joined every competition on campus that I could. BEAST, Arki Sportsfest, PE2 Final Tournament, but last year was the worst. I didn't get to play in BEAST because we had a field trip. We didn't have badminton during the Arki Sportsfest. Monday classes. The worst. No one to play with. Never in my life have I gone through more than 6 months without playing in a court.

On "Wow I was so thin": I have mentioned before that a lot about me has changed in 2014, but there was one thing I purposely left out. It's this: I have been kinder to my physical self. I have little by little let go of my physical insecurities. I'm not saying I'm confident about how I look. I'm saying I don't care how I look anymore. Bad haircut, been there, done that. But did I die? No. Did I become any less awesome? No. I don't even post selfies anymore. Hardly ever. I still wear makeup occasionally, but those are on days when I feel like crap on the inside, like plate deadlines.

Here's a back story: I never worked out or anything, and I stopped training. It was the only physical activity I had, and it was a life constant. I'd always have enough of it just to keep me in shape - but that was never my main goal. I played because I loved it. Not because I wanted to be fit. That was just a bonus. So there, now I weigh at least 30 pounds heavier than I did in that photo. Like how the hell does one even gain that much in four years? The weight gain wasn't the main problem. It was the people around me. It's the first thing they notice when they see me - heck, they'd call me out on it before they even say HELLO. What the hell, right? It's like the world is so obsessed with weight and body figures. Skinny was always beautiful (kahit panget, oh yes, I am getting there). It's like it doesn't matter to people whether you're smart, or funny, or talented. If you're fat, you're fat. And that is it.

What I did in 2012-early 2014 that people do not know about:
Crash diets. I lost 13 pounds in a month. Gained it all back in a snap.
Starvation. Oh, I've done this several times. I only came to my senses when I blacked out in SM Makati at 7 in the evening. Alone. I thought I was going to die. I was able to get home at past 9. Never again. Ever.
Developed Bulimia. I used to puke after every meal, especially dinner. I never forced it out - it felt more like a state of mind. It's pretty hard to explain, but it made me really depressed for months.
I went to the gym. And I thought I was really happy. I made sure I worked out at least 4-5 times a week. Who was I kidding? First of all, I hate routine. Next, I hate routine. Lastly, I hate routine. Enough said.
I felt so lost and hopeless and I hated myself every single day from the moment I woke up to the moment I drifted away in my sleep. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It bothered me EVERY DAMN DAY.

And people think it's FUNNY when they joke about weight? You can eat your jokes. You don't know what you're saying. You don't know anything. So fuck you.

What I did in the middle of 2014:
Realized that weight isn't everything. There is so much more to life you're missing on when that's all that matters to you. So you'd rather just sit there than go swimming? All the scrumptious meals you're missing. Big B! How could you say no to a Big B?!
Cut toxic people out. Because tangina niyo. :) I deserve to feel great about myself, and I don't need to hear any of your sickening weight jokes.
Started smiling like an idiot in front of the mirror. More like "started looking at the mirror again". HAHA! Who is that awesome person smiling back at me?
EAT. I always made sure I'd have dinner with my friends. I'd invite my old friends to catch up on life in restaurants or cafes that served pasta, pizza, whatever. I'd go to that bakery downstairs in pajamas just for the cheese bread.
Became genuinely happy. No obstructions, physical or emotional. :)

What I'm about to do in 2015:
Start playing badminton again. Some things you just have to keep as life's constants. :)

"Change the channel" - Mom

Yesterday, my sister and I were having a discussion on the famed-among-teens Filipino movie, She's Dating the Gangster.

In fact, we were only having a sabaw conversation on the funny scenes and how we thought it was going to end when our mom barged in on us with her infamous skepticism on the values (or whatever else) brought about by Filipino movies. As children, we grew up watching cartoons and movies only in English, which explains why, other than never being participative in Filipino classes, I never really got the hook on speaking Tagalog until my third year in college.

I've had different friends since grade school up until college who'd invite me to go out and watch movies and I'd have to say no or lie to my parents that I watched "the english movie" instead of "the Filipino one". After watching Filipino movies, I'd feel flushed with guilt because OMG I just watched something baduy or my mom will kill me if she finds out. 

Tonight, however, I found out why my mom never let me watch any of these movies or TV series. Of course you'd expect my mom to find it all baduy, but more importantly, she never let us watch these things because the characters and situations are so relatable, they actually have an impact on our emotional stability. "Ang drama niyo na nga, you'll watch those things pa."

All I could think of right now is that my mom is such a T. MBTI reference. I'm a super F. That says so much about how she could regulate her emotions and set them aside. It's in her nature. I need someone to do that for me, because it's all messed up in this jungle of a mind that I have.

She said we're allowed to watch these things, but we shouldn't ever let it affect us/her HAHAHA!
Oh well, papel.

Have a great day, anyway!

Maybe I have ADHD

"She had the instinct and reflexes of the poet, but she lacked the control."

~ Arthur Miller on Marilyn Monroe

Part One

Hi. Tonight I decided to write again, because I don't even know when the last time I wrote anything for fun was. I miss writing. It helps me organize my thoughts. I couldn't guarantee I'd be blogging again for good, but tonight I felt a necessity to blog about how much I've changed and grew as a person in a span of a few months. Vain as that might sound, I don't really care. I'm not exactly proud of this girl I've become - I think happy is a better word for it.

I'm not exactly sure when this all began, but I'd like to think it all started when I was trying to get over a crush (HAHAHA oh my gosh Cai what is wrong with you sige publicize mo pa hahaha). When I went home after taking Physics the second time around last summer, I knew I had to keep my mind off things. Or that person. LOLJK. That was when I started doing calligraphy and making stationeries and whatnot. It helped me a lot.

Anyway, I also discovered my love for everything snail mail. Postcards, letters, stamps, happy mail, postcrossing. Because I was earning from The Write Type, I splurged on philatelic stamps. I stopped shopping for clothes. I KNOW. I used to shop for clothes all the damn time (ask my friends, ask my mom). Every time I had spare money or savings, I'd always spend it on clothes. I used to love dressing up. I always wanted to look my best even on normal days. Especially on normal days. I remember when I still had an ask.fm account, there'd by questions like "who do you think dresses nicely in arki?" and I'd see my name being mentioned more than once. When I started splurging on paper, stamps, pens, and other things, I found out that there is so much more to life than clothes (HAHA exagge! Malamang!). I started spending most of my money on trips to Iloilo, looking for paper and other stationery items at Calle Real. I spent my money on new pens. New notebooks. Postcards. Envelopes. Printer ink...because what do I get from buying clothes? A nice look? Sure. It's great to look nice all the time, but it takes me so much effort and money. Your personality matters more than your clothes. What you say, how you think, what you do, and who you are gains you friends. Not your clothes. Not that I ever did dress up to impress people (god, no), but like I said, I just dropped it because there was so much more beyond shopping and all that stuff. Now, I always wear the same things. I've been mixing and matching my clothes since the start of summer. And by mix and match, I mean wear whatever I could grab from my closet. All my tops are the same anyway - black of different cuts, or different-colored tank tops. They all match my printed shorts anyway. I don't really give a shit. It's like I wear a uniform to school. I've probably repeated every outfit at least ten times already. I'm currently cringing at how I used to care so much about what I wore. I don't know. Either that or I'm cringing because wala na talaga akong pake. LOOOL.

ENFP problems. The struggle is real. I think I started this post three days ago. Not sure if lazy or ADHD.

Tangina. I don't even remember half of what I wrote, HAHA I'm so sabog right now. I'm at the beach! Maybe I should just write a better post. When I have my shit together.

happiness